Come as You Are

What are you having for Thanksgiving? Chances are that whatever is on the menu will come with a side dish of “should”. As in, “I should be feeling grateful” or “I shouldn’t be feeling sad/angry/afraid/bitter…”.

There is a nuance to gratitude practice that is often overlooked, but it’s absolutely essential. In a gratitude practice, we are not practicing feeling grateful so that we don’t feel other things. Rather, we are inviting into our conscious awareness blessings in our life so that we have an accurate accounting of how our needs are being met. Importantly, we’re not overwriting our realities, or shoving down or away other feelings.

Mindfulness is about being aware of our moment-to-moment experience exactly as it is. If, in this moment, I’m mourning the ability to spend time with my family and friends, then I can honor that. I can see it as my experience in the moment and let it be. Resisting how we’re feeling in the moment is no more useful than resisting the reality of the current moment itself. When we allow for the reality of what is happening and for how we are feeling about what is happening - when we give space to both - we heal and cope.

Give it a try the next time you’re feeling glum or ticked off or frustrated. Notice how your body feels (the shoulders, jaw, chest). Then try telling yourself that you should feel happy that you’re as lucky as you are and should feel grateful for what you do have. Chances are the ache in the chest and the tightness in the jaw aren’t going to ease. Then try holding yourself with compassion, naming the emotion that you are experiencing in that moment, even if it’s just with one word. You may even want to try on various words to see which one fits. “Is this anger? Is this sadness? Is this xxxxxx?” As you acknowledge and bear witness to your present moment experience, you may find that the shoulders drop, the jaw loosens, and the chest moves more freely with the breath.

For me, the tell-tale sign that I’ve offered myself the compassion I need is that there will be one breath that arises spontaneously and is a bit longer and a bit deeper than the ones before it. That is the signal that I have loosened my resistance and am moving more freely through my actual experience.

If you notice that you are starting to build a whole case around why you feel the way you do, soften a bit and come back to the feeling in the body. The why’s and wherefores will be known in their own time. For the moment, just knowing and allowing what you’re feeling is the key.

Lastly, sadly, there will always be people who are suffering more than we are. While it’s healthy and helpful to acknowledge that truth, someone else’s suffering really doesn’t help us to feel better. In fact, it heaps another pile of “should" onto the plate. So if you find yourself trying to feel better by thinking of others who are worse off, commit to finding a way to help others after you’ve offered yourself some compassion.

We wish you and all beings a happy and healthy Thanksgiving, and if that’s not what you’re experiencing, we bow deeply in recognition of whatever it is you are experiencing. We are here with you and for you exactly as you are.

With unconditional love,
Your CMP family