Love on Lex
Every once in a while, doubt creeps into my practice. It might happen when a long to-do list keeps pulling me away from my meditation and a little voice says, “Wouldn’t actually doing something be more productive right now?” One time it happened after a seven-day retreat when one of the retreat leaders admitted that she still got frustrated when she returned from retreat to find that her husband hadn’t watered the plants. I thought, “Wait a minute. You’ve been doing this for forty years and you still get annoyed at small stuff? Why did I just sit here for seven days????”
Recently, during a loving kindness practice, the little voice whispered slyly, “Come on. You know this doesn’t really do anything, don’t you?” It took the juice out of the practice and made it hard to continue. This is why Buddhist teachings list doubt as one of five “hindrances” to a meditation practice. (The others are sensory desire, ill-will, sloth and torpor, and restlessness. More on these another time).
The day after Doubt showed up, I happened to be going in to the city for an appointment. I decided to bring my practice out into engaged life and see what happened. Curiosity and exploration can be great antidotes to doubt.
To each person I encountered I offered a wish, “May you be happy.” It started on the shuttle bus where I mostly had to send these wishes to people’s bundled backs. Row by row, seat by seat, my eyes resting for a moment on each passenger, “May you be happy.” On the train into the city, when the conductor collected my ticket, I offered an out loud, “Good morning.” And a silent, “May you be happy.” I swear she did a slight double take, but I chalked it up to the early morning eye contact when everyone else was looking at their phones.
Once I got to New York, I started up Lexington Ave, swimming in a sea of people. I challenged myself to look as many people in the eye as I could and offer them the wish. It felt wacky and uncomfortable, especially as my social muscles are a bit out of shape since covid. Looking people in the eye felt like peeking into their kitchen window. But I kept at it. May you be happy, may you be happy may you be happy…. Over and over and over.
I noticed that people were beginning to smile at me and I realized I was grinning from ear to ear. All the may-you-be-happies were making me happy! May you be happy may you be happy may you be happy. I passed a shop keeper opening up for the day and he smiled and waved and hollered, “Have a good day!” I thought, “I am I offering these wishes out loud?!”
When I finally arrived at my appointment, I felt connected to thousands of complete strangers. There was a definite sense of being in relation to them, of caring for them, and feeling cared for.
Can we get that same sense from doing Loving Kindness on the cushion? I believe we can. I believe we are creating habits of the heart and mind when we practice anything. We can practice being angry, resentful, suspicious. Or we can practice connecting through care and kindness. There is plenty of science that supports the benefits of Loving Kindness meditation, but the best experiments are the ones you do on your own, when you test for yourself the impact of a practice.
May you be happy : )
